Ladies and gentlemen, this game is called, “Name The Perfect Work Schedule.”  The winner gets a pat on the back to go back to work instead of reading this.  And let’s begin.

I will start this game out in an assertive (do not get that confused with aggressive) manner.   

Can’t Read My Poker Face

Being direct and decisive is my communication style, so it might as well be my playing style – I fondly remember being victorious in multiple poker games with my brother’s friends during house parties (at our home of course), way back when I was an innocent/blind warrior, shortly before I knew that vices were available to me, and prior to me figuring out that I was welcome to try any one of those vices that I was curious about. In poker I would start out sort of safe, observe everyone’s style, and then rock and roll after a few rounds.  I sucked at having a poker face, and I never wanted to stay up late wasting the night playing poker, there was too much else to observe at these parties, so I tended to bow out before the final one or two victims were left.  It taught me patience, which I still lack, and it also taught me that seventeen and eighteen year old boys are not intimidating, and they can get their ass-kicked by a 15-year old girl on any given day.  

This story might not seem fitting for this post, but it was a way for me to let you know I am coming out swinging with how I define flexibility in the workplace.

I Wish For…

If someone came to me a year ago and asked what type of schedule would make me stay in my role, I would instantly choose the option to have a hybrid work schedule.  And let me make sure the people in the back hear this one – I am not talking about a measly one remote day a month setup.  Not a chance.  This could blow your mind, but I am going with a minimum of one remote day per week.  Yes I said it, a minimum.  Meaning your leader would be holding you accountable for taking that remote day during the week.  

Bold you say?  Lazy you say?  I say this: 

Innovation requires incubation.

Our House in the Middle of Our Street

I shall elaborate.  Most, if not all of my best work came out when I worked remotely, It was either that, or  I had to recreate the zone of creativity at work by being shelled up in my office (or shared space) either early in the morning or late in the evening, when my brain was not working at full capacity due to interruptions, demands, venting, supporting, listening, and addressing in all directions, even sometimes in multiple dimensions.  Needless to say, on the office bunker days, my work was sub-par.  As an aspiring director stuck in a manager’s body, I had my eyes set on multiple long-term goals.  See previous post about being able to strategize past the five-year plan.  Working from home was an ability to get into that ambitious headspace and keep the ball rolling.  But people do not want ambition, people do not want you to have ideas, they want the ideas to be their ideas, and if it sounds too weird to them, they will shut your ideas down faster than you ever thought possible.  

When I work from home, I have my inspirations surrounding me. I blare vinyls on my record player, the harmonica filling up the room while I bust out a game-changing strategy that will help the team propel into the colorful space of success. I have my home decor around me, pictures of Jimi smoking a J, Beatles being Beatles, Jim Morrison giving me the eyes, pictures of mountains I have visited but not climbed, photos of my bitching wedding day, concert posters, bookcases at every corner, the rows full of Stephen King’s words of wisdom and Neil Gaiman’s views into the world of fantasy. My house is my brain space. It makes me happy, and the work I do in it reflects that happiness.

The Tribe Has Spoken

In my previous role (not all of my roles), I brought this hybrid idea up to an HR executive, and I heard, in the Charlie Brown teacher voice, “You were hired to be in an office.”  Like an animal in a cage at the zoo.  And trust me, I am not as exciting to watch as a hippopotamus taking a dip or an orangutan teaching her baby how to climb.  I also asked said HR bigwig if I could have more support and get a supervisor on my team to receive delegation from the manager, and I was told this:

“We’ve always done it this way.  We’ve tried the supervisor model in the past, and it has not worked.” 

How’s that for innovation and science, folks?  That very moment was when I made my started making my descent into unemployment.  If the higher sector of Human Resources believes in stagnation, than the poison has spread much further than I originally had perceived.  Yikes.

Vote for Hybrid

I am a campaign manager for the Remote Work Act – I firmly believe that people do their best work when leaders are not around.  If you find a way to help elevate your team to where they can do the work without you there, then you have won the game.  Not this game that we are playing right now in this blog, but rather the Game of Autonomy.  If you can trust your people to do the work and not need you to be there at their beck and call, then a cohesive team has spawned, and you have witnessed a damn miracle.  Cohesion and independence are not the norm, and it is difficult and takes persistence to achieve, but my goodness it is worth it.  Those are the teams I tried to create, but I was then snapped back into the office by the tentacle of the business suit.  Can’t say I didn’t try.

People work better when bosses are not around, and people are happier when bosses are not around.  Those are facts that I just made up, but I would bet you a few dollars that if you collected the data, I would not be far from the truth.  Bosses are not necessary, but they are a link to the outside world if they know how to do their jobs right, and sometimes, just sometimes, they are willing to put in the energy it takes to inspire into the room a melody of self-awareness, open communication, and encouragement for people to have brain babies (defined as sparkling ideas that change the world).  Allowing employees do their thing is the most magical experience you can have at work.  When you see someone finally take it to the next level and gain confidence and life skills, well that is what it all is about, baby.  That is the golden ticket.  And if you work in healthcare, you go on knowing that you helped make a happy employee, thus sparking cared-for patients, which then you have met the criteria for your WHY of joining healthcare in the first place.  

But my friend, let us not be so naïve to think that corporate leadership would allow this kind of happiness to run amuck.  This kind of innovative and curious behavior is only tolerated in crevices of the corporate world, where you find leaders who speak the same alien language as you.  That 3% of awesome people who “get it” that I mentioned in my post “Scary Happiness and the Corporate Corpse Revival.”  Those are the leaders who let you choreograph the dance, cheer you on from the sidelines, and bring you flowers afterwards.  I have met those people, I have tried desperately to work for them, I talk with them to this day, and I now know that they did not have me work for them because they knew it would clip my wings.  I get it now, and I am thankful for these people.

If bosses supported, did what the employees told them to do, and also threw in a sprinkle of motivation and inquiry from time to time, the world would be a better place.  Instead, most bosses tell and not ask, respond before listening or understanding, and shy away from the stinky piles of elephant poop found in all corners of the room (not to mention they have not yet said a single word about the actual elephants that left it.  Multiple elephants.).  This is what I have witnessed.  I strive(d) to not be like those bosses.  Told you I was blunt, I hope you can deal with it.

The Ultimate Request

Getting back to the remote work/perfect work schedule game.  Here is what I would ask for:

1. A minimum of one remote day per week.
2. If the day presents with more virtual meetings than there is downtime, this automatically becomes a remote day.
3. The ability to leave early whenever shit came up.  Guilt-free.  Seriously, please stop making me feel like I am doing something wrong here.
4. The ability to come in late whenever shit came up.  Guilt-free.  Seriously, please stop making me feel like I am doing something wrong here.
5. The promise that my remote days will not be revoked if a deadline is missed or if a mistake happens.  Instead of revoking, inquire on my state of mental health, because I do not normally miss deadlines.
6. The openness for leaders to admit that people in the office do not work a full eight hours.
7. A Working-Mom program.  This is the mother of all asks (no pun intended).  As a working mother, I had to quit my job in order to be with my children.  I was paying $30,000 in childcare.  Read that again.  I was paying to not see my children.  My idea of a working-mom program would be to allow the moms to put their children in daycare part-time, be able to watch them on certain days, and allow the moms to work on the evenings or weekends (remotely) to make up the 40 hour week.  This idea needs to be fine-tuned, but I would have paid for part-time care in an instant if it meant I could keep my full-time gig and still see my kids.  (People would define this as “having your cake and eating it too,” which is frowned upon).

Your turn.