*Title stolen from a cool Marvin Gaye song you should listen to right now.*

What if people came back as dogs?
The Poodles, Labradoodles, Shih Tzus, and Pugs?
Slathering, lathering, sopping up love,
Won’t you,
Why don’t you,
Pick my poop up with gloves?

If dogs were people, would life be less dense?
Would we lick our wounds or bark at the fence?
Would we wag our tails at the beauties of life?
Or chase down the tennis ball to forget our strife?
Would we knock over drinks with our butts so round?
Or stare at the door when we heard a strange sound?
Would we drink from a bowl and eat with no hands?
Or scarf down tough grasses and poop them in strands?

If I were a dog, I think I’d join a band
Of barkers and snarlers and growlers and then
I’d roll in gross mud, I’d eat your new thong,
I’d drool on your clothes, I’d gag on a bone.
I’d run to and fro in the fields with long grasses,
I’d smell daffodils and sniff new dog asses.
I’d love ‘til I couldn’t, I’d kiss, scratch, and itch,
I’d steal kid’s stuffed animals and make them my bitch.
I’d hump uncontrollably ‘til my owner says stop,
Then I’d look at them innocently until they flip-flopped,
On letting me work out my instinctual needs,
If I were a dog, I’d avoid getting fleas.

If dogs were people, there would be purebreds,
High in their towers eating sweetbreads,
The mixed and the rescues would party at the bottom
And give not two shits for the ones on the mountain,
For one shit is plenty enough to inhale,
If dogs were people, the mutts wouldn’t care
As long as they had their ball, stick, and rope
For that is enough to survive, thrive, and hope.

Strong-boned, meaty shoulders, and all of our butts
would wiggle with joy as our tails went nuts.
Dogs are the leaders of love and true whims,
If I were a dog I’d come back for free swims.