I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World.
Not because the rides were bitchin’.
But because I found my kid in a stroller
By herself.
While my dad went into the Hall of Presidents.

His legs needed rest while they suffered from being tired
From an untreated and undiagnosed nerve condition
Which struck him like a lightening bolt two years ago
Stealing half of his balance faster than I labored with my second child.
Sucking up the future of adventures in one swish.
He used to pull trucks behind him with ropes,
And lug boats around moats.
I swear this much is true.

I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World.
Not because I left my mouse ears at home.
But because I watched my mom
Leave my kid in a stroller
While she parked it to go on yet another ride.

She proceeded to tell me to calm down, relax, and take it easy.
Stop being so mean.
Take a breath.
Wind it down.
Slopping on my favorite form of shushing at the end.
As I try to make peace and explain my issues.

“Go get professional help because something is terribly wrong.”
Been there, done that. Should get the shirt again, but refuse.
“You’re strong but not that strong.”
Isn’t everyone messed up?
“You have worked so hard at what you have built.”
It’s crumbling every minute.
“Strong woman, strong marriage, strong life.”
The Song of the Mother, pushy, proud, towering expectations.
Hard, but true.
Tough, but motivating in it’s supple and distraught way.

I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World.
Not because my kid wanted a $35 bubble machine.
The dogs waiting at home to chew it like a rawhide.
But because I lost a baby two months before and had forgotten how to feel.
The feelings came back but they didn’t feel real. They felt mad.

I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World.
Not because I missed out on meeting Tiana.
The lines were over 30 minutes for character meet-ups.
They used to walk around more.
They used to interact.
But because I have anger issues.
Stemmed from my childhood.
Never formally addressed outside of my will and determination,
Failed to be transformed into the badass mofo energy I know it can be.

I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World.
Not because it rained midway through.
And our Fast Passes got canceled for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.
But because I made it into the secret room in my mind
A hidden compartment holding my emotions hostage for two months,
Concealed by thick walls made of vessels, tissue, cynicism, and resentment
It took me two months to traverse through those jello walls.
I nearly suffocated, turned around, and contemplated how to drown myself in them.

But I knew I had arrived at the door to my emotions
And let some of my demons out to play.
Once I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World.

And once I yelled “Fuck”,
It all came at once.
The rush, the surge, the class six rapids people scour the Earth to ride.
The emotions broke the dam, the wildlings were free,
The monsters have escaped.
Good riddance, I hope they never return.
Truth is, they never left and are now part of the team.
But now that I know them, I’ll know how to love them more next time.

I yelled “Fuck” at Disney World,
Because the past life triggers swam to the top of the aquarium
And attempted to jump out of the water and flop breathless on the outside,
Choruses of people exalting me with soprano tones and harmonizing altos,
“Stop your crying,” in place of the Hallelujah Chorus,
“Quit your whining,” replacing stanzas,
“You’re the meanest one in the group,” exalted over the kind words I needed.

I well up in tears in the back of the group,
Holding their bags of snacks and watering them with sparkling juices as they request it.
Bringing soft Kleenex to wipe runny noses and wipes to soothe dirty mouths.
I remember what it was like when I was cared for too.

Maybe they are preparing me for what’s to come – the teenage years.

Next up, Disney Land.