“All I can do is be me, whoever that is.”

Bob Dylan, my theoretical best friend.

Hits From The [Organizational Development] Bong

Looking back on my seven-year career in healthcare leadership, the most profound growth I experienced was through (hold on to your butts for this huge reveal) courses and programs held by the Organizational Development (OD) team. Whenever I was given the time and permission to feast on the OD energy, my development advanced by miles rather than the inches I crept when doing other monotonous leadership duties such as building [fake] relationships, coaching others [who did not want to be coached], and proposing ideas [that were dismissed in seconds].

I made many attempts to directly join the OD team, these tries being met by equal amounts of “No, thank you, stay in your corner,” this being a good move in hindsight. Most of the OD peeps were encouraging and open to me helping spread the good word known as OD through my current role, but as for opening the door to a career in OD, that was damn near impossible. One OD person even told me I had to go get a Master’s in OD (without knowing I had a Master’s in Healthcare Admin. Sure, let me add school to my to-do list, go into even more student loan debt, and most likely not get the OD job).

My hunch is that these Organizational Development people wanted me to remain naive to the glorious roles they were sporting; holding the jobs close to their chest for fear people would find out that they were actually having fun and loving the position. If they brought a manager over to the other side, it could let the cat out of the bag, and then no one would apply to be a manager again. Doom and gloom on all accounts, but looking back, I am glad they pushed me away with their sword-like presentation pointers. I did not deserve to love my job, that would have made too much sense, and this does not jive with the David Byrne rule that I follow on the daily. I had to find the work happiness myself, the Scary Happiness.

Truth be told, I did just that and found my own damn way to be content. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Baby, I Was Born This Way

Within the spark-inducing Organizational Development courses I took, the personality tests were the firestarters that kicked my unaware ass into shape. My addiction to these tests became such that the moderator of the personality assessment courses became my friend, and I was given puppy-loving attention during the classes by using my results as examples throughout the sessions. Other people gave me the weird side-eye when the classes started, insinuating and inquiring as to why I would be taking them again, and again, and again. Somehow I managed to keep getting analyzed, probably due to the numerous leadership classes I took that had the personality test as an ice-breaker.

The tests I have undergone:

1. DISC
   • Weakest of the epiphanies, but a good starter test.
   • My results: D & I were the strongest. Big surprise here as D stands for Dominance and I for Influence. My D & I were complimented by 70 people who were blends of S & C, which mean Steadiness and Conscientiousness, both of which I have severely depleted values (you mean you want me to be calm and actually think about my decisions? Nah, not for me.). Ooo baby, baby, it’s a wild work world, and that it was. The majority of that group (who lived in a lab cave if you are still wondering who they might be) said to me, and probably still say, “Hey, go away crazy lady!” I even had a person tell me to stop leading with emotions and only focus on the technical stuff. Since I love everyone and do not judge, I find myself feeling sad for this person, as they obviously had people issues, bullied the others (still do from what I hear), had no feelings, and were in an internal black pit of despair. I wish them the best as they find a way to mutilate confidence wherever they go. Whew, sorry, had to get that out. I feel better now.
2. Birkman Assessment
   • I took the detailed test on this one, and it gave me x-ray vision deep into my soul. I also did a partner assessment with my co-manager, who was my direct opposite; super cool experience that I still think saved my marriage at the time as my husband is my direct opposite.
   • My results: Too detailed to write out, but I am a Red Hot Dictator. Direct, obtrusive, demanding. Yes, yes, and yes. If I had an evil bone in my body, I could easily row the Sailboat of Life with the Donnies of the world if you catch my drift. Thankfully my moral compass steers me toward the sunshine instead of the black hold of financial lust and hunger for power.
3. Myers-Briggs
   • The spookiest, most accurate assessment I keep ogling at to this day.
   • My results: INFP – The Idealist, the Mediator. I read this article the other day that felt like the writer had been following me around since birth.

What I learned from these tests:

Personality tests serve as the toothpicks that keep your emotional eyes open. Some humans are born aware and accepting of their tendencies, others discover their weaknesses but choose never to acknowledge or look them straight in the eye, and others are blind to the madness until it is too late to turn back.

For example, my temper has been a known beast since my younger years, and I let it fastidiously grow until it had octopus arms, cheetah legs, and shark teeth. Anger sits on my shoulders each day, breathing down my neck and encouraging me to lash out at the next opportunity. Instead, I ignore this ugly gremlin, not letting it get its jollies on just any frustrating situation. It wins on occasion, giving a drooling, cheating grin whenever I lose my cool for no apparent reason. But for the most part, I keep it locked up and torture it by forcing it to observe my kindness fill up the crevices of this melancholic world.

A fascinating takeaway from personality tests was that character is something you are born with, not something you can select as you age and experience. The logic is sound to me, and I incorporate this wisdom into my parenting style. My children cannot be changed, I can only cultivate their talents and expose them to the ongoings of the world; what they do with that information is purely in their hands. I pray to the (somewhat imaginary) gods that my children listen to themselves throughout life and do what they feel is worthy of their time. I will not force them to be something; I hope they are anything and everything they find fit. They will fail, and I am ok with that. I will share my wisdom, my perspective, and my experiences to provide them with the pros and cons that I am aware of, but demanding is not in the cards. Check back with me in 5, 10, and 20 years to see if this stands true as I will veer off the tracks numerous times. Hell, I have already broken this promise if we are being true to the conversation.

Express Yourself

What I learned about myself after taking personality tests: I am a rare circular change-loving monster floating in the ether, feeding off of other people’s energies or lack thereof, expecting the same energy level in return, which is a false dream, as I am a bouncing antelope living in a world of stagnant, immobile walruses whose bark is indeed worse than their bite. Not all of you are walruses, do not take offense to that; from my perspective, I am an energetic, happy, and grateful person, but oftentimes people interpret me as a freak who drinks pounds of espresso on the regular, never stagnant, encroaching on the tame and mild. My energy scares people without me realizing it. Now that I know about this, I make a point to observe the reactions of others whenever I enter the room. You probably thought I would say that I toned it down a notch, but the results ended up invigorating my scientific mind to the point where it could be considered taunting.

My Tigger-like bounciness can be both a blessing and a curse, as the expectation is for me to always be bubbly. It can be tricky to uphold that legacy, so on my sad days (which happen more than you think) I like to stay at home; which can also be tricky since I was not allowed to work from home back in those corporate corpse days. But I changed that aspect, and I now can stay home whenever I damn well please. Again, stick that deliciousness in your pipe and smoke it.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

My point is such: Take a personality test. Understand yourself better. Pivot and find yourself via your passions and tendencies. Be aware of YOU, and sparkle. Always sparkle.

My next goal: Force my family to take these tests so I can learn who they really are.

See? I have already failed to refrain from forcing. Guess it is just part of my character (teeheehee).